Admin- When my son came home from college, he spent the night at a friend’s house without telling me.
- We have learned that communication is the most important thing, even though he is more independent now.
- We are still learning the balance between friend time and family time.
My son went to college about an hour and a half away, which was far enough that he had to live on campus. But it was close enough for him to go home for the weekend. I was excited.
One of the first times he came home during the holidays, he visited a friend from high school in the evening. When I woke up in the morning, his bed was empty. Logically, I knew he was probably still with his boyfriend. But as his mother, I was concerned.
When he came home later that morning, we talked. He said they stayed up late chatting. It snowed. He decided to stay, but didn’t want to text at 2am and wake me up. These were all very reasonable decisions.
I told him that I knew he didn’t have to tell anyone if he went to a friend’s dorm room or apartment on campus and spent the night there. But when he comes home, his parents are concerned. I’d much rather be woken up by a text at 2am than wake up to the chilling realization that he wasn’t there in the morning.
It was a simple misunderstanding. It was also the first time I realized that he was a full-fledged adult and that things wouldn’t be the same anymore. Here are a few tips that helped us navigate this new phase of life.
I understand that he is becoming more independent
I know that my son is much more independent now than when he lived at home. He does all the stereotypical school tasks, like doing laundry and grocery shopping. He is responsible for registering for classes, purchasing his books and materials, and handling the logistics of school attendance.
These extra responsibilities also give him extra freedom at school. I don’t know where he is unless I call or text him and he decides to tell me. He makes hundreds of little decisions throughout the year that I don’t even know about.
When he is at our house he has no curfew, which has been a weird adjustment for me. But he does let us know if he plans to go out and if there is a chance he will spend the night with a friend. I don’t see it as a check on him. I see it as a sign that we all take each other into account. It helps us plan dinner and know if we should include him in any family activities that day.
We have learned to combine family time and time with friends
It may hurt to admit it, but we’re not the only people my son wants to see when he gets home. Vacation means his high school friends are back in town.
He is part of a close-knit group, and even though they went their separate ways during their studies, they are still close. I’m happy. I want him to have healthy friendships. But it means we have to figure out when he will be with us as a family and when he will see his friends.
I’ll let him know if we’re planning something where I’d like to have everyone together. Holiday meals are important to us. But the day after Thanksgiving we also drive to the mountains to cut down our Christmas tree, and I love being there with the whole family.
He and I both try to be flexible. I don’t care what day we cut down a tree, so we can switch if he has plans. He is also willing to reorganize outings with friends. When we talk things out and make compromises, no one’s feelings are always ignored.
I want my son to build good relationships with his friends, but I appreciate that he also values ​​what is important to us as a family. I also want him to look forward to coming home. If we constantly make him feel guilty for spending time with others, this won’t be a welcoming place.
There may be problems with younger siblings
I have to admit, it took me a while to realize how self-sufficient my son has become. It was also difficult for his younger brothers and sisters.
For example, our children are allowed to drink a soft drink on the weekend, but not during the week. When my student came home on Wednesday and grabbed a soda, his siblings went crazy.
We explained that as they got older, they would be allowed to make more independent decisions about what was right for them. While I didn’t ask my oldest son to stop drinking soda during the week, I did ask if he could be a little less vocal about it.
It can be difficult when you send your child off to college only to have him come back a more adult the next time you see him. But that’s the point. My job is to teach my children to become more independent so that they can ultimately take care of themselves.